Status Update

It's about 10 til 9 and I am either going to jump in the shower or wait until they get here, depending on how far away they are. So I call while I bring clean laundry to the kids' room.

Mom: Yessssss?

Me: Just wondering how far out you guys are?

Mom: Uh... Dad? Where are we? Just outside of (Nearby City).

Me: Okay, so like, 20 minutes.

Kid #1: Why are these sheets hot?

Me: Because they just came out of the dryer.

Mom: What?

Me, ready to show off how awesome I am of a homemaker for doing laundry once in a while: I was telling Kid #1 that the sheets are hot because they just came out of the dryer.

Mom, with a slightly deranged tone: Whose cheeks are hot?!?

Me: The SHEETS. For his bed.

Mom: Oh, you can just leave them folded, we'll put them on the bed.

Me: There are already sheets on your bed. These are for Kid #1's bed.

Mom: Oh. Well go ahead and put those on!

Lukewarm Chicken, if you please

Okay. All politics aside, why in the HELL would I say yes when asked if I wanted a Chick-Fil-A sandwich from a location that is over two hours from my home?!?

Mom: You don't like them anymore?!? We're stopping for dinner....

Me: No thanks.

Seriously.

By the way, their E ....... T ........ A ......... has been updated to 9pm.  Why yes I am guzzling an alcoholic beverage before they get here. Yes it is because my mom has called me an alcoholic for having a single beer with dinner before. Thanks Mom!

The Scene of the Crime

Last week my dad called.

Him: So it turns out that dentist appointment I thought was Wednesday? Is Tuesday.

Me: Oh, so does that mean you can leave to come here a day earlier?

Him: Yeah, we'll be there late Thursday instead of Friday.

Me: You told me Thursday before. Leave after appointment on Wednesday, spend the night at Grandma's house, get here Thursday.

Him: Okay.

Me:........ so if you want to get here Wednesday, (my husband) will be out of town, it'd be great if you could come sooner.

Him: I'll have to ask your mother.



------------------------------------- a few days later, Mom calls but does not mention anything about the day they are going to arrive --------------------------------------

It is now Wednesday - today. I call. Because it is probably tomorrow, I'm expecting tomorrow, but....

Dad: We're at the scene of the crime.

Me: Oh really.

Dad: Yes. I guess you don't know which one.

Me: Yeah no, it could be a myriad of choices. Which crime is this one?

Dad: We're where the converter fell out of my car the last time we were here.

Me, doing mental gymnastics: Virginia??

Dad: Yep. Here's your mother.

..........

Mom: Hi. He's in a rare mood. I think we're going to Arby's for lunch instead of Wendy's this time because it's healthier. I can't believe he wanted to stop here after we spent FOUR HOURS here the last time. 

Me: Yes. The scene of the crime.

Mom: Yeah. I don't know why we had to come here.

Me: So. What's your ETA?

Mom: What?

Me: Your estimated time of getting to my house - what is it?

Mom: Are you saying E    T     A ? 

Me: Yes. 

Mom: Oh.

Me: ..... so.... today? tomorrow?

Mom: Oh, 8 o'clock!

Me: Ah! Okay then. 

***

So apparently they are on the way. Good to know.

They tried to make me....

Dad, playing Angry Birds: It's hard to get all these pigs.

Me: You should get Younger Child to give you some pointers. <i>Younger child is three.</i>

Dad: Should I go wake him up? (obviously joking)

Mom: Noo, no, no no.

(simultaneously) Me: Yes.

(a minute of silence)

Mom: Poor girl.

(brief silence)

Me: Who, me? (the only female who lives here)

Mom: That Amy Winehouse.

Me: What??

Mom: She had that song about rehab and she said no, no, no. She should have gone.

Me: ..............................................

Heads up!

Incoming!

After telling me for months that they want to come in May, but putting it off, they called today to say they are coming on Monday. Monday through Saturday. Of the one week this year that includes both my birthday and one of the kids', and my husband will be out of town for part of it. The perfect storm, if you will.

In I am not an old dude on a horse news,

My mom keeps saying, "Diabeetus." Because she made a bitchy comment about my parenting, I commented on it. 

And somehow I don't care...

It's awfully crowded in here....

Dad is listening to a song I suspect is called "Paper Roses" so loudly on his tinny netbook speakers (and tiny, but most annoyingly tinny) so loudly that I have had to use headphones to watch a movie on my laptop 20 feet away in the next room.