Not what you might call observant.

Today, I just had this conversation. My dad has one hand on the door to go out, I'm on the couch.

Dad: Where do you keep salt and pepper?

me, first confused, then gradually putting those words together into sense: Uh... We have salt and pepper grinders in the kitchen.

Dad: Well because yesterday I had to use a pepper packet I had in my car. Because I didn't spot them immediately.

me: ...... we've had them for seven years.

WHO KEEPS PEPPER IN THEIR CAR?!?? And no this wasn't an accidental, oh, I have that packet from the other day moment. This is one of those "I'm going to keep these salt and pepper packets in my car for a seasoning EMERGENCY!" things. 

Winter sports?

I guess we're playing badminton. With mystery boxes and list of soda... ???

They're heeeeerrrrrrreeeeee

This is a gift they brought for the fruit-loving three year old. Fine, very thoughtful. But WTF is up with the paper towels?!?

The Sister has a boyfriend

Holy crap.

Welcome to Technology

I tune in mid-discussion....

Dad: "Well I have to get you an account number, set up, on the computer at home."

Mom: "Well I've been asking for MONTHS. TWO or THREE MONTHS."

Me: "Uh. What the heck are you two talking about?"

Mom: "I can't get ANY apps on my PHONE."

Me: "You.... you need an Apple ID?"

Mom: "I guess, because DAD won't get one for me!"

Dad: "I just need you, the phone, and the computer in the same room."

Mom: "Well then why can't we DO that?!"

Dad: "I'm gonna have to..."

They've had their iPhones since last Christmas.

Facebook

Names changed!

Mom: "How is Catherine doing?"

Me: "...... you mean my friend Jess's baby?"

Mom: "Yes."

Me: "She's.... good?"

Mom: "I just wondered what she looks like now."

Me: logging into Facebook

Mom: Awwww, she's cute!

Me, noticing one of those helpful sidebar messages on Facebook: "Oh, is it (her sister)'s birthday?"

Mom: "Why yes, yes it is..."

Me: "Okay.... " (I type out a message to wish my aunt a happy birthday, then click through to my cousin's profile)

Mom: GASP "YOUR cousin likes Southern Living?!?" My mom is a long-time subscriber and has given many years of it to me as well. Earlier in the day she had verified that I did not wish to continue my gift subscription that she got me after asking me this last year and getting it anyway, after I received my current issue in the mail which has printed right on there that it's a gift from her.

Me: "Well. That just means she clicked 'like' on their Facebook page."

Mom: "She was just down in Hometown, but she didn't even stop by or call us. Oh, there's the picture." 

It was a picture of about 6 completely and well-dressed young women standing in front of a fountain smiling for the camera. My cousin was tagged in the photo and the album was called, "(Somebody's) Bachelorette Weekend".

Mom: audible sigh "People put anything on that Facebook. I don't know why anybody joins it."

The (Not) Jewish House

So, Google Street View finally got to my parents' house. Their house looks like an unkempt bushy nightmare for everyone around them who must HATE THEM OMFG. But that's not why we're here today, oh no.

I was cruising around on the street view, checking out the neighbors and my old neighborhood. Since I moved away, someone has built themselves quite the house and grounds a couple minutes away and next to a body of water. The place looks damn fancy, so while Mom was sitting here looking over my shoulder and watching and commenting on all the new speed bumps and additions on houses and such, I asked her about it.

"What do THOSE people own?" I thought it must be some sort of very successful business to own such a property.

Mom: "Well, we thought they were Jewish."

me: ...............

Mom: "But then they had some Christmas lights up."

me: ..........................

.........................

......................."I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, but I thought they might own a business or something?"

Mom: "Oh, I don't know. But they aren't Jewish."

Vacuum Extraction

They have made an emergency out of a toy with tubes having smaller toys stuck in it. There's a vacuum involved, and my dad just exclaimed, "I need him to stop messing with it!"

I replied, "So, you need the child to stop playing with the toy."

Mom, "Well if he gets his little arm stuck in there we can just take him to the fire station..."

Now the three of them are in the basement. I don't know why.

Buttface

My sister is back at my parents' house being a mooch and feeding the cats. So, when the parents got here, Dad called. I heard him leave a message on the house phone and say he'd call her cell. That was, oh, at least an hour ago.

I went to deal with the kids in bed and came down the hall to hear Dad on the phone, with the volume up high enough that I could hear the other end ringing. My sister didn't answer, he left a message. Then his phone rang.

I don't know what she said, but his answer was, "Well were you on the toilet the first two times I called, BUTTFACE?" I guarantee you that she used the term first....

***

AND IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH, then Dad puts her on the phone with Mom. Mom says, among other things, "Well you know how Dad gets. If you don't answer the phone, he thinks someone has murdered you and kidnapped the cats to take them to Mexico to turn them into burr-eee-tooos."

The conversation, if you can call it that, was another 5 minutes of my sister bitching about being called on the phone at all. 

Status Update

It's about 10 til 9 and I am either going to jump in the shower or wait until they get here, depending on how far away they are. So I call while I bring clean laundry to the kids' room.

Mom: Yessssss?

Me: Just wondering how far out you guys are?

Mom: Uh... Dad? Where are we? Just outside of (Nearby City).

Me: Okay, so like, 20 minutes.

Kid #1: Why are these sheets hot?

Me: Because they just came out of the dryer.

Mom: What?

Me, ready to show off how awesome I am of a homemaker for doing laundry once in a while: I was telling Kid #1 that the sheets are hot because they just came out of the dryer.

Mom, with a slightly deranged tone: Whose cheeks are hot?!?

Me: The SHEETS. For his bed.

Mom: Oh, you can just leave them folded, we'll put them on the bed.

Me: There are already sheets on your bed. These are for Kid #1's bed.

Mom: Oh. Well go ahead and put those on!

Lukewarm Chicken, if you please

Okay. All politics aside, why in the HELL would I say yes when asked if I wanted a Chick-Fil-A sandwich from a location that is over two hours from my home?!?

Mom: You don't like them anymore?!? We're stopping for dinner....

Me: No thanks.

Seriously.

By the way, their E ....... T ........ A ......... has been updated to 9pm.  Why yes I am guzzling an alcoholic beverage before they get here. Yes it is because my mom has called me an alcoholic for having a single beer with dinner before. Thanks Mom!

The Scene of the Crime

Last week my dad called.

Him: So it turns out that dentist appointment I thought was Wednesday? Is Tuesday.

Me: Oh, so does that mean you can leave to come here a day earlier?

Him: Yeah, we'll be there late Thursday instead of Friday.

Me: You told me Thursday before. Leave after appointment on Wednesday, spend the night at Grandma's house, get here Thursday.

Him: Okay.

Me:........ so if you want to get here Wednesday, (my husband) will be out of town, it'd be great if you could come sooner.

Him: I'll have to ask your mother.



------------------------------------- a few days later, Mom calls but does not mention anything about the day they are going to arrive --------------------------------------

It is now Wednesday - today. I call. Because it is probably tomorrow, I'm expecting tomorrow, but....

Dad: We're at the scene of the crime.

Me: Oh really.

Dad: Yes. I guess you don't know which one.

Me: Yeah no, it could be a myriad of choices. Which crime is this one?

Dad: We're where the converter fell out of my car the last time we were here.

Me, doing mental gymnastics: Virginia??

Dad: Yep. Here's your mother.

..........

Mom: Hi. He's in a rare mood. I think we're going to Arby's for lunch instead of Wendy's this time because it's healthier. I can't believe he wanted to stop here after we spent FOUR HOURS here the last time. 

Me: Yes. The scene of the crime.

Mom: Yeah. I don't know why we had to come here.

Me: So. What's your ETA?

Mom: What?

Me: Your estimated time of getting to my house - what is it?

Mom: Are you saying E    T     A ? 

Me: Yes. 

Mom: Oh.

Me: ..... so.... today? tomorrow?

Mom: Oh, 8 o'clock!

Me: Ah! Okay then. 

***

So apparently they are on the way. Good to know.

They tried to make me....

Dad, playing Angry Birds: It's hard to get all these pigs.

Me: You should get Younger Child to give you some pointers. <i>Younger child is three.</i>

Dad: Should I go wake him up? (obviously joking)

Mom: Noo, no, no no.

(simultaneously) Me: Yes.

(a minute of silence)

Mom: Poor girl.

(brief silence)

Me: Who, me? (the only female who lives here)

Mom: That Amy Winehouse.

Me: What??

Mom: She had that song about rehab and she said no, no, no. She should have gone.

Me: ..............................................

Heads up!

Incoming!

After telling me for months that they want to come in May, but putting it off, they called today to say they are coming on Monday. Monday through Saturday. Of the one week this year that includes both my birthday and one of the kids', and my husband will be out of town for part of it. The perfect storm, if you will.